I have been asked so many times why I don’t really talk in social settings. So, here’s the truth.
I have very bad anxiety.
When I am in a setting with a lot of people I get nervous and sometimes panic. It’s not that I don’t want to talk but a lot of the time, it’s like my brain shuts off. Sometimes I get so anxious I have to leave the room. It happens at parties quite often, so I don’t like to go to them anymore. People assume I’m bored but in reality, it’s because my anxiety gets out of control.
When I was in school and the teachers would come and watch me do my work, I’d freeze. I would stop until they left because I couldn’t concentrate knowing someone is looking over my shoulder. In one of my classes, I would hide it really well by acting really sassy. I had a class with a friend and we talked all the time. Whenever the teacher told us to be quiet I wouldn’t listen. Then the teacher tried to separate us but all I did was turn around. The teacher even took it to the level of threatening to call my mom, to which I said: “I don’t care she won’t do anything”. Little did she know, my mom would have been very angry to get a call like that.
About a year or so ago, I tried a special needs bowling league but I ended up quitting. Why did I quit? I ended up having an emotional break down in the bowling alley because there were too many people around me. That isn’t what I told people but that’s what happened. Maybe one day I will be able to go to social events and actually enjoy it. It is really difficult to explain to people the reason you don’t want to go to events without sounding like a total jerk. Some people don’t understand why I bail, but most of the time its better if I don’t go. If I went with someone to an event, it’s usually not fun unless my friend stays with me the whole time. Chances are that won’t be the case.
Being social is something that is really hard for me to do. I may not come up to you and start a conversation, but if you start one with me I will happily talk to you. Right now, I can’t go to social events and have fun, but I am working on it.
I am working on my anxiety through yoga and meditation. It helps me relax when I am feeling anxious. I have made some progress but there is still a lot to be made. You are probably wondering if it’s as bad as I say it is why don’t I go to counseling? Honestly, because I don’t think talking about my anxiety with another person will help. Also, I think I can overcome it on my own, it’s just may take longer.
I’ve learned a lot about managing my anxiety, but if you have any tips that have helped you please leave them in the comments below! Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!
Life with Spina Bifida is a personal blog that is all about my life with a disability, chronic pain as well as encouraging hope and positivity for those who are suffering. You are not alone!